I Miss Carol

I Miss Carol

By Mark Leitheiser

I miss Carol Burnett. Not personally, of course. She wouldn’t know me if I jumped on her lap, tickled her chin, and called her Mama. It’s her show I miss and if you find yourself flipping through hundreds of channels only to discover, “there’s nothing on,” you probably miss her show too.

Today’s television is bloated with violence, cursing, and raging political rhetoric. Turn the channel as many times as you like. It doesn’t matter; You’ll be hard-pressed to find a program that isn’t selling sex, violence, politics or fixed-up houses you can’t afford.

It wasn’t always this way. Back in the day, when there were three channels (if you were lucky), there seemed to be plenty of shows worth watching and none of them was filled with sex, violence, politics or fixed-up houses. Back then, entertainers simply . . . entertained.

Which brings us back to Carol Burnett, whose weekly show stands in stark contrast to today’s tidal wave of junk. How? For starters, actors actually seemed to appreciate their audiences and went to great lengths to please them.

Consider Carol, who opened each show on stage by personally greeting the audience and taking questions and comments. These unscripted segments built a sense of trust and gratitude with her audience. The personal requests often lead to hilarious stunts such as Carol’s unforgettable Tarzan cry.

The highlight of each show offered a variety of clever characters who made us laugh, week after week. Who can forget the classic exchanges between Mr. Tudball and Mrs. Wiggins?

Tim Conway never got old, despite being “The Oldest Man” as he slow-rolled down the steps to a chorus of laughter. How about Momma and the family playing Monopoly or Charades? We’d laugh until our stomachs hurt.

What made these and many other sketches so different from today’s entertainment shows isn’t what they had, rather, what they didn’t have. They didn’t have sexual references. They didn’t have foul language. They didn’t have angry political messages and they didn’t have a single act of violence against another person. By today’s standards, they would be unacceptable failures.

Thankfully, that wasn’t the case, because of what they did have. They had silly characters who could make us laugh until we’d cry. They had outrageous costumes, witty dialogue and themes we could all relate to. But most of all, they had fun!

Tim Conway’s and Harvey Korman’s skit at the dentist’s office should be enshrined in the Hall of Fame for good, clean, clever entertainment. You couldn’t help but laugh when Korman himself started cracking up. Conway didn’t need help to steal a scene. His facial expressions and body contortions were all he needed to do the job. How many of today’s entertainers can say that?

And remember: these skits were performed live. When something went wrong, and it always did, actors had to use their artistic skills to ad lib and improvise to get through a scene. No one was better at turning an unexpected calamity into a good laugh than Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show.

Another Hall of Famer, Carson became the gold standard when it came to late night entertainment. The key word there is entertainment. Every guest was treated fairly, yet none escaped without a few laughs. And when things went sideways? Carson was at his best. Whether it was a wardrobe malfunction or an animal crawling on Johnny’s head, the situation would lead to a howling audience. And the best part? Everyone was fair game for a joke.

It didn’t matter who the president was: he was guaranteed to be roasted by Carson, night after night with funny, harmless barbs. Contrast that with our late night hosts today where late night shows sound more like political rallies geared to a specific political base than even-handed comedy for all to enjoy.

Of course, these politically-biased productions reach far beyond late night entertainment. Back in the day, news broadcasters did just that; they broadcast the news. Their job was to run right down the middle with the facts. They didn’t dare lean one way or another. Dad used to marvel at how he had no idea how Walter Cronkite voted, based on his news broadcasts. I miss Walter Cronkite, too.

And what about the timeless detective shows? Today’s shows feature young, sexy detectives who drive around in sleek, environmentally-friendly cars using the latest technology to track the day’s evil doers. How sad is that?

Back in the day, we saw real men who drove muscle cars to gravel pits where they punched out the bad guys. These were detectives with forearms like canned hams. One punch to the jaw always did the trick. The bad guy would collapse like a house of cards and be cuffed before he could regain consciousness. Now those were real detectives!

And how about their cars? Agent Rockford in the Rockford Files could spray gravel a country mile with his gold 1969 Dodge Avenger while chasing down a bad guy. And who could forget “The General Lee” driven by Bo and Luke Duke as car number 01 flew over haystacks and stop signs while evading the clutches of Boss Hogg? Now that was entertainment!

Of course, no review of The Dukes of Hazzard would be complete without a nod to Daisy Duke, sauntering across the lawn in her short shorts. She didn’t show nearly as much skin as the sexy stars flaunt today. She didn’t have to. An entire generation of young men grew up drooling down their chins when Daisy made an appearance. Leaving something for the imagination seems to be another lost art in today’s world of total revelation.

Today’s shows are filled with violence, sex, politics, dramatic crises (how many catastrophes can Los Angeles have?) and modern technological marvels. Yet I long for the days of interesting characters, clever wit and grateful entertainers who could help me laugh at this crazy world. I miss Carol Burnett.