LUCKY ME

Lucky Me

By Mark Leitheiser

One of the great summer traditions is the arts and crafts festival. Recently, Sweetums and I travelled to meet Petey and her friend, Goodness, at a whopper of a festival. It was a long drive but in the end, I’m sure you’ll agree it was worth it.

Finding these festivals is relatively simple; just look for the snarl of traffic and the continuous line of sweaty people moving in the same direction. Parking, however, can be a bit more complex. After circling the area for what seemed like hours, we were able to outmaneuver an old lady for a spot just outside the city limits. After making a few mental notes on our location, we joined the river of humanity flowing to the park for a day of fun.

While wading into this human sea, I got my first shock of the day when I saw two children being pulled in a red wagon. And this wasn’t just any red wagon; it not only had side rails but a canopy, presumably to protect the children from the sun. A Canopy? Over a wagon? In the summer? At a festival? My, how times have changed. When I was young we didn’t have a canopy or rails on our wagon. In fact, we didn’t even have a wagon. At best, we had a wagon handle and we were told we were lucky to have that! Lots of other children would love to have a nice wagon handle so we had better thank our lucky stars that we had a nice handle and quit complaining when others had it a lot worse than we did!

It got worse when I spotted a little girl wearing giant pink sunglasses holding an oversized Icee that was shaped like an ice cream cone big enough to qualify as a bowling pin. I stared at her while she stared at her oversized Icee, both of us in disbelief. Kids these days. They probably walk downhill to school and back home again.

Spoiled kids aside, the shopping at these festivals is a truly unique experience. These vendors are some of the most creative people on earth. Where I see a five-gallon bucket, they see an awesome light display. Where I see a twisted piece of iron, they see a wine bottle holder. Where I see a piece of old fence, they see a beautiful piece of lawn furniture or a picture frame. Each of these clever items can be yours for just $29.95.

Of course, there are a few vendors looking for the big bucks. No angle iron or barn board for them. Sweetums and I stumbled across one of these vendors and were drooling over his $5,000.00 tables when I caught his eye. “Can I help you?” he asked, giving me the benefit of a world of doubt. Knowing I couldn’t afford his ashtray much less his table, I cleverly disguised my intentions while saving face. I lifted my nose and whined, “Not now my good man. I was wondering if you know where I could find a jar of Grey Poupon.” He snorted and turned away. I don’t think he suspected a thing.

Fortunately, many other vendors were selling more amusing products at much lower prices.

T-shirts and wall hangings with dirty and sarcastic messages, it seems, are as timeless as the festivals themselves. Who enjoys standing around reading these dirty messages, giggling while thinking of friends, bosses and coworkers? By the look of things, pretty much everyone. At these vendors you can find virtually every color, shape and size of a T-shirt, tanktop or wall hanging and each of these amusing items can be yours for just $29.95.

With our first round of shopping complete, still chuckling at the snarky T-shirts, we wandered to the back side of the park, near the food stands where I noticed someone slobbering like a St. Bernard. It was me. Few things in life are more pleasing to the nose than the

delicious smoky odors of festival foods hanging in the thick summer air. With so many options, Sweetums, Petey and Goodness went one way while I went another.

Somehow, they got the idea that when it comes to cuisine, I am rather boring. This may be because I order the same thing everywhere we go. At any rate, I had decided to treat myself to a steak sandwich when I spotted the $12.00 price tag. Forget it. I’m not only boring but cheap too. I was about to despair when I spotted a 4-H stand selling sandwiches for half that price. Easy call. My sandwich was so good, I had second one. Total bill: $12.00. The ladies enjoyed some sort of Mexican salad on a round shell big enough to use as a spare tire on the way home. All in all it was another delicious festival lunch.

Which inevitably lead to one of the greatest inventions of our time: the Porta Potty where I couldn’t help but overhear a mother’s instructions to her young son. “Don’t look in the toilet.”

“Why not?” “Just DON’T look!” I don’t know if her kid looked or not but of course, I did. Porta Potties are great but she was right: don’t look in the toilet.

With my work in the Porta Potty complete, it was time to head home after a fine day at the festival. After our good-byes to Petey and Goodness, Sweetums and I padded off in search of our car. In the end, we really didn’t buy much. Sweetums found a unique wedding gift and me, well, I was grinning from ear to ear . . . carrying my nice, new wagon handle. It was mine for just $29.95. How lucky can a guy get?