Slices of Life Even on the hard days

Slices of Life

Even on the hard days

By Jill Pertler

Not sure why but, today was a hard day – in comparison. You never know how to predict it, this thing they call grief. I suppose the same could be said about life in general. But grief magnifies life.

Now that I write that, I realize something I never thought of before. It is absolutely true: grief is a magnifier. It magnifies loss. It magnifies emptiness. It magnifies what could have been.

But it also magnifies the beauty of the warm sunshine on your face. It magnifies the sweet fragrance of flowers or the earthy scent of freshly cut grass. It magnifies the crisp taste of a glass of ice cold lemonade. It magnifies the miracle of a smile from a stranger.

Grief magnifies the bad; but it also magnifies the good. The key is, learning to work grief to your advantage. The key is leveraging the good.

Just writing that, thinking that, makes me laugh almost. How the hell do you leverage grief?

I’ll be truthful: it wouldn’t have been possible in the early days. I didn’t have the energy, knowledge or the wherewithal to leverage anything five years ago. Four years ago. Three years ago, even. Learning to leverage your grief takes time - but it is doable.

Now, typically, I can get ahead of it. If I know a certain date is going to be difficult, I plan for it. I put myself in front of the curve. If I wake up feeling more “griefy” than usual, I spend some precious moments contemplating gratitude. I actively cultivate my peace; I guard it fiercely.

But some days, like today, I get caught off guard and none of my well-honed techniques work. Despite my best preventative efforts, blah wins out. And you know what?

That’s okay.

Some days are hard, some harder. And some are easier. Sometimes you smile, laugh even. There is no rhyme or reason to it. And that is what makes it so incredibly difficult. The unpredictability. You never know what you will wake up to each morning, except for a half-empty bed and a deep, heart-wrenching ache inside of you that you never knew existed - before.

And that is the truth of grief.

But it is only one truth. Grief knows many of them.

As I alluded to earlier, grief magnifies life itself. It magnifies the sorrows but it magnifies the joys, and oh my goodness, how wonderful joy truly is! After a great loss, you learn to experience joy like you never knew how to before. You learn to appreciate – the big things, the small things and everything in-between.

Grief magnifies clarity. You find you have the ability to see people and situations – really see them like you never were able to before. You sense the love and light that emanates from everyone and you appreciate that. You revel in it. You hope to mirror it back and magnify it.

I never would have chosen the position I find myself in. I never would have chosen grief. I still wouldn’t.

But knowing what I know now – after years in the trenches – I realize grief comes bearing gifts none of us ever could have imagined – before. Grief can be beautiful, if you let it be. Grief is love that refuses to die, but it is so much more than that.

Grief is an opportunity for an awakening. It is like opening your eyes for the very first time. It is a gift that comes with a price tag you never would have agreed to pay.

But you paid it, nonetheless, and you can’t go back. Grief doesn’t offer returns or exchanges. Not ever. The only way – the only option – is to move forward, so that’s what you do and you try to make the best of it. Even on the bad days.

(Jill Pertler is an award-winning syndicated columnist, published playwright, author and member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. Don’t miss a slice; follow the Slices of Life page on Facebook.)