A Truly Universal Language

A Truly Universal Language

By Mark Leitheiser

According to the internet, as I write this fine article, there are approximately 7,151 languages spoken in the world. Given the complexity of language, that number may be off a bit but any way you slice it, that’s a lot of different languages. Linguistic experts also tell us that there are 1,061 languages spoken in the Americas. That, too, is an impressive number.

Exactly when and where language began is still a bit of a mystery. Some linguists subscribe to the theory that our earliest ancestors created many of the sounds we use today by mimicking the sounds of nature. “S” for example, sounds like the wind whipping through the trees on a crisp autumn day.

Later, a bright fellow discovered that humming the “S” with his teeth together gave him the “Z” sound and language was off to a crude but effective start. This naturally led to primitive conversations that I suspect went something like this, “Ug, me golf today.” “You no ‘ug’ me. You do dishes and pick up underwear or no golf!”

Regardless of its exact origins, language has always been a bit of a mess. Why? The book of Genesis suggests the problems started when some arrogant Babylonians attempted to build a tower with its “top in the heavens.” Tradition has it God was unimpressed and purposely confused their language so they could not understand one another. This, of course, is where we get the term “babble” which refers to foolish, unending talk. If you want greater clarity on this one, take a look at our halls of congress and it will all make sense.

Individual languages are interesting but they come and go with time. Experts claim there have been about 31,000 languages throughout human history but of course, this is only an estimate. The exact number will never be known.

However, universal language, which refers to any language spoken or simply understood by all or most of the world’s people, is another matter. While this definition is a bit broad, it still represents a much smaller, more manageable number of languages.

We’re all familiar with universal language which can take a number of forms. Two hands crossed in front of your neck, for example, will tell anyone around the world that you are choking on one of Grandma’s meatballs and are in need of the Heimlich maneuver.

If it’s a spoken language you are looking for, you’re in luck; you already know it. English is the closest thing we have to a spoken universal language. All international flights and nearly all international banking is done in English. There are more human beings speaking Mandarin Chinese than any other language - for obvious reasons - but when it comes to being spoken universally, English is still the champ.

Smiles and hugs make up a timeless universal language we’ve all experienced but unfortunately, the same can be said about the middle finger. Music seems to be a universal language everyone can appreciate regardless of how horrific your teenager’s favorite tunes sound. And what about love? Is anything more universal than the language of love? Well, maybe. Read on.

If any language can be more universal than love, hugs or the middle finger, it would have to be Beerlish- the universal language for anything dealing with beer. Don’t believe me? Consider: there are nearly 10,000 breweries in the United States alone which, a year ago, produced over 170 million barrels of beer.

Nearly every nation on earth produces some form of beer. Throw in civilized nations like Canada, Russia, Germany and England and well, that’s a lot of suds. Add the uncivilized drinkers from the far reaches of the earth in places like Uzbekistan, Timbuktu and Iowa and it’s hard to imagine a more universal language than Beerlish.

How has Beerlish become a universal language? The answer lies in the versatility of the product itself. Has there ever been a more “fluid” language? In a word, no.

One of the most common areas you’ll hear Beerlish spoken is payment for labor or goods.

Big jobs, such as shingling a roof or harvesting a field require big payment, “Hey man, thanks for the help. What do I owe ya?” “Ah, don’t worry about it. Bring me a case of beer sometime and we’ll call it square.”

Small jobs, such as changing oil or mowing a lawn require small payment. “Hey, thanks for the help. What do I owe ya?” “Ah, don’t worry about it. Buy me a beer sometime and we’ll call it square.” Of course, Beerlish doesn’t stop with payments.

It also lends itself to apologies. “Geez, Rocky, I’m sorry I broke your saw. I don’t know how the heck I didn’t see that old spike sticking out!” “Ah, hey, don’t worry about it, Eddie. It was an old saw anyhow. I tell ya what. Buy me a beer sometime and we’ll call it square!” Perhaps our world leaders should sit down and speak Beerlish to solve our universal problems.

While apologies are no fun, Beerlish can also grease the skids for celebrations. Have you been to a wedding reception, graduation party or 4th of July celebration lately? If so, you’ve heard Beerlish in action, whether you wanted to or not.

Surprisingly, Beerlish can even help with personal sedation. “Oh, Honey!” “Yes, Sweetums, what is it?” “Will you clean the bathroom, Sweetie? Weird Uncle Ebb and his girlfriend, Cobra, are on their way over for a visit.” “OMG. I think I need a beer!”

Whether you are discussing politics, sporting events, first dates or excuses for the boss, it doesn’t really matter. When you get right down to it, we all speak the same universal language: Beerlish!