All the World’s a Parking Spot

All the World’s a Parking Spot

By Mark Leitheiser

If you drive through any large town in southern Minnesota (a town with more than one stop light) you will likely find that parking for a visit can be a headache. Streets are often lined with parked cars and parking lots are filled with hazards. Thankfully, this is not a problem for the good folks in small towns in southern Minnesota because, as they see it, nearly every inch of every street and road is fair game when it comes to parking for a neighborly visit.

When it comes to parking, there seems to be a nearly unlimited supply of methods for rural Minnesotans. The first, and most common method is the side-by-side glide in which one driver pulls up beside another to park for a lengthy visit. With windows rolled down on a lazy summer day, these drivers casually block traffic to discuss the latest gossip at their leisure. Location makes little difference to these folks. They’re as comfortable blocking city streets as they are blocking township roads.

The side-by-side glide is a non-discriminating method that is open to lawn mowers, golf carts and ATVs but its most frequent fliers are pickup trucks which reach across a broad spectrum of mechanical health. Some of these trucks are rusted metal skeletons held together by dust, rust and God knows what. They lumber around town farting blue exhaust fumes while covered with enough dust to leave even the driver guessing their original colors.

More common however, is the modern pickup truck boasting size, strength and bling. You’ve seen these modern-day behemoths. They come in all shapes and sizes but when it comes to color, there is little debate. Chrome is the color of choice when it comes to the modern pickup truck parking on our roads and streets.

But color alone won’t always get the job done. When it comes to rural parking, size matters! Today’s modern trucks are the embodiment of advances in size, power and technology. These brutes make Grandpa’s old F-150 look like a matchbox toy. When it comes to parking in the middle of the street, nothing says, “I’ll park where I damn well want to,” like an oversized, jack-up, tricked out, chrome-framed pickup truck.

While the side-by-side glide remains popular for obvious reasons, there are other parking methods that deserve consideration. The A-frame method provides an efficient, yet effective method of parking for a friendly conversation. The beauty of this method is its simplicity. Since it only requires one vehicle to block traffic, nearly anyone can enjoy it.

The A-frame method kicks into motion when an individual- virtually always a man- walks up to a pick-up for conversation. He then leans forward for support, placing both elbows above the open window, forming a perfect A with his hands, sighs, and begins to visit.

The mood of this conversation will be obvious to the trained observer. The telltale signs begin with the head. When the leaner’s head sags loosely at the shoulders and turns slowly from side to side, like an oscillating fan, the news isn’t good. Farm prices are down; The Vikings threw another one; Washington, D.C. is a mess.

When the news is good, however, the leaner’s head will bunch tightly into his shoulders, pulling up to look his partner in the eye and share a laugh. Crop prices are up; The Vikings pulled an upset; Washington D.C. got bombed. Life can appear to be good or bad, depending on the placement and movement of the head in the A-frame.

The key to the A-frame’s parking success is for the leaner to completely ignore the fact that he’s blocking the other lane. If you were to approach one of these conversations and expect movement, you’ll likely get a sharp glance that says, “There are 600 acres directly east of my be-hind, so feel free to try another route. We’re busy here!”

You’ll know this business isn’t good when the leaner starts kicking the ground with his boot. The rhythm may vary, but the constant kicking of the ground is a sure sign of frayed nerves. A family friend up north was a classic A-framer with a relentless toe kick. He was the nervous type and his toe kick was a thing of beauty. We always knew when he had stopped by for a visit with Dad because we would have to find a shovel to fill the hole he left behind.

The A-frame method of blocking traffic with a single vehicle is poetry in motion when properly executed but sometimes it takes a village to get the job done properly. Which brings us to the angler and the mad scramble. When the local villagers are in a cooperative mood, they will park side by side at perfect parallel angles. Typically, this has been the case in the morning when the boys gather for coffee and visit about important things like commodity prices and the Vikings’ draft picks.

Other times, however, the angler method does not apply. This is when the mad scramble kicks into high gear. The mad scramble method encourages drivers to park anywhere, any way, any time they like. At its full-blown best, the mad scramble method to parking resembles a handful of pretzel sticks dropped on the kitchen floor. All standard parking rules are suspended and trucks are squeezed in at angles that would make a geometry teacher proud.

Why take up one parking space when you can take up two or three? Need a visual aid for the mad scramble? Stop by Dave’s Full Service on a Saturday morning- but be careful where you park!

Shakespeare once wrote, “All the world’s a stage.” He may be right but out here in rural Minnesota we see things a little differently. Out here, all the world’s a parking spot.