Slices of Life Listen up

Slices of Life

Listen up

By Jill Pertler

I’ve touched on the subject of listening before. It’s an important, albeit often overlooked, or at least undervalued, aspect of the whole communication process.

I’ll be so bold to say that listening comprises more than 50 percent of the communication dynamic.

Talking - speaking your thoughts - involves just that: using your voice to articulate ideas.

Listening is more complex. We think of listening as a passive activity, but that’s inaccurate. Listening is an active verb.

It requires first hearing the words someone else utters out loud and then processing them to create meaning. Next, it involves a decision about whether to respond and what that response could be, should be and or will be. A non-response can say just as much – sometimes more – than a long-winded one.

Listening requires thought. That isn’t always the case with speaking, as I’m sure we all can agree.

For much of my life, I didn’t consider the importance and complexity of listening. I didn’t think of it as a skill. But it surely is one. It is a skill worth cultivating.

Listening isn’t something that’s typically taught in a classroom. Although “Reading, writing, arithmetic and listening,” has a certain ring to it. Back when I was in the classroom, I don’t remember an option of Listening 101 being offered, but a quick Google search told me that’s no longer the case.

People studying communications, as well as those in the listening professions – psychologists, psychiatrists and such – routinely study the art of listening. But most of us do not.

We assume we simply know how to listen. We assume others know how to listen. But you know what they say about those who assume…

Too often we don’t fully immerse ourselves in the act of listening. We listen with the intent of a response versus listening for comprehension - to simply absorb the information coming at us. And how can we respond appropriately if we don’t fully comprehend?

Good question, but it happens all the time.

And here’s the kicker. Conversation – communication – isn’t always straightforward. Sometimes a response is warranted. But often, listening involves actions more complex. Things like empathy, understanding, kindness and sometimes the most complex action of all: silence.

Think of the last time you shared something important and felt wholly heard. It probably felt pretty good. That is a feeling worth cultivating. Worth learning. Worth aspiring to.

We think listening involves our ears. And, while that’s true, genuine and truthful listening encompasses so much more. Real listening starts in the place so many important things do: in the heart.

We listen with our heart. We listen with empathy. We listen with kindness. We listen with the intent of connecting with another person in order to shed light on their situation. (Not to share something similar that happened to us in the past.)

Truly listening to someone can be an intimate and intense experience. It is deep. It isn’t about thinking who or what is right; it is thinking about what is loving and providing a response that provides empathy and grace. It is coated in encouragement and positivity. It is steeped with appreciation and vulnerability. It is comprised with a peace that is heartfelt and true. It is filled with gratitude and patience.

It transcends normal communication and raises to a level of authenticity not normal in these complicated, busy and (dare I say) self-centered times.

Listening to – hearing – another person is a gift. In a time of division, it reminds us of our connectedness. It aligns us with the energy of another human being, in an effort to support them in times of both sorrow and celebration. It is a connection there for the taking – for each of us.

Honestly, what can we aspire to, if not that?

(Jill Pertler is an award-winning syndicated columnist, published playwright, author and member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. Don’t miss a slice; follow the Slices of Life page on Facebook.)