Pump it up

Slices of Life

Pump it up

By Jill Pertler

I’m good at lots of things.

Let’s just get that fact out of the way.

But.

Every once in awhile I come across a task that presents challenges beyond what it should.

Sometimes the most mundane and simple things in life can become difficult – not for everyone, but for you and only you. (Or in this case, me and only me.)  Throughout my lifetime, I’ve come across a few extremely simple tasks that I simply can’t seem to grasp. It’s embarrassing, or at the very least frustrating – usually both.

The most recent example involved a lotion bottle, but I’ve experienced similar inabilities with other bottles that come equipped with pumps that facilitate dispensing the lotion (or shampoo, conditioner, liquid soap, etc). Prior to purchase, the pump is locked, to prevent the product from spilling or escaping in unwanted places. Once a person arrives home with the bottle, they unlock the pump to enable effortless distribution.

Unlocking the pump is an easy peasy process. It isn’t even called a child-proof pump because it is such a very simple task. There are no written instructions on the bottle or pump because instructions are not deemed necessary for such an intuitive and straightforward action.

You’ve probably never given a second thought to unlocking the lotion bottle in order to enable the pump to pump, because opening the pump is like second nature for you. It’s child’s play, really.

To that I say, poppycock, hogwash and baloney!

I have needed to open many – hundreds, probably – pump bottles in my lifetime and have found the opening process neither easy nor straightforward.

I used to hand the bottle to my husband and he’d perform some sort of open sesame trick, causing the pump to pop open like magic. When my husband was no longer available, my sons helped me with my lotion pump foibles, because to them it was a piece of cake.

Now here’s the kicker: each time someone opened the pump for me, I’d have them review their method. Lefty loosey, righty tighty and all that jazz. I listened intently and vowed to remember the method – next time. And then next time arrived and I still couldn’t unlock the pump – like I had a mental block or something.

Until this morning when I was thwarted by a lotion bottle - again. I twisted and turned the cap and the pump. I pressed down. I pulled up. I held the nozzle up to the light to read which direction was “Open” and which was “Closed.” I stood there in the bathroom, staring that bad boy down, vowing to win the fight.

But still, the pump remained locked. Round one went to the pump.

I exited the octagon (aka bathroom) leaving the lotion bottle to revel in his short-term glory, but I was not finished. This was no TKO. Far from it.

I could have tapped out and let my sons finish the fight, but I wanted to win this battle on my own. Plus I had a tool in my arsenal I’d never thought to use before: The Google.

And as we all know, Google can solve just about anything - at least if anything involves a lotion bottle pump. Google clearly has this simple task mastered and gave me precisely the information needed to go back into the ring and throw the knock-out punch.

In no time at all I was moisturizing my skin like a champion pump master.

Today I won the battle.

But, have I truly conquered my long-term inability to open a pump bottle? I like to think so. But I won’t know for sure.

Until next time. We’ll see. Fingers crossed, fists up and Google engaged.

(Jill Pertler is an award-winning syndicated columnist, published playwright, author and member of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists. Don’t miss a slice; follow the Slices of Life page on Facebook.)